Its been a busy couple of days… with hindsight I should have taken the easy option and stayed in a hotel in Brighton and taken taxis to and from the hospital. But I’ve stayed with friends (far nicer to go home to friends than an empty room) and enjoyed seeing brighton from a bus window. I’ve also walked far more than I usually do… due mostly to me getting my bearings from the main railway station…. which isn’t actually near the hospital jane’s been in OR where I’m staying 🙂
But anyway… that hasn’t been the main event.
We checked jane in on Monday and then signed her out to go and buy all the important things she needed on the list that she had misplaced.
And then I left her there…unlikely to sleep much… neither was I… and I didn’t think I’d make it back in to see her off to surgery at 9…so we said our farewells.
6am I received my first text of Jane…. I was awake anyway.
I went for a wee.
Found three more texts on my return… not very clear texts… but the sort of thoughts you have before going on holiday (take the dvd back… remember the recycling)…. so I thought i may as well get my arse down the hospital. So I left a note for my hosts, grabbed a taxi and was in hospital about 7am.
Jane was bouncing off the walls with nerves (except the bit after the enema – where she managed to sit still for a while) -expeliamus!!!
Its the first time I found it really difficult having a film crew around… now I’m used to them its usually interesting and fun – sometimes both. But suddenly when really important shit is happening in your life it gets difficult again.
So I kissed Jane and told her I loved her and turned away becuase I couldn’t bear to see her go.
And then the wait.
About four hours in all… but it passed fairly fast. (I had a long shower and drank lots of hot chocolate and read the paper and caught up on facebook and made her a playlist on spotify)… the only time that dragged was once I knew the op had been successful and she was in recovery. At that point i did some serious pacing.
And then she was back…. so pleased to see her. She was totally zonked on morphine and not making much sense but every time she came to the surface she smiled… the beatific smile of the post op trans woman 🙂
Such relief she’d come back… I cried…she talked nonsense and we listened to music until the nursing staff kicked me out for jane to have some rest.
I went for lunch with the film crew (it was about half 2 and we all realised we’d not eaten yet that day) and then I tried to sleep in the car but couldn’t…so laid and watched the rain on the car windows and contemplated life the universe and everything.
I certainly realised the fear and stress pre op (for both of us) was about having a big op… not what the op was about.
Up til the last minute they kept asking Jane if she was sure…to the point where the question ceased to make sense. Jane likened it to someone asking if you want a piece of pie…and you say ‘yes please’ and they ask again and you say ‘yes please’ and they keep asking…. it makes you wary about the pie… and then you have to become very determined to keep saying yes.. But there comes a point where the question doesnt mean anything… becuase its ceased to be about the pie and more about the question.
Anyway…. I went back in at about 5 and she was slightly more with it… we opened some cards I’d brought down… and she was allowed some water through a straw but has to stay flat on her back for a day to lessen the chance of bleeding.
What made me realise how right this is for Jane (for both of us) is when one of the nurses asked about her pain level (scale of 1 to 10)..and Jane said.
“No pain at all vaginally but my back is a 3 or 4”
Vaginally…. she was off her face on morphine… couldn’t remember her facebook password (she wanted me to post for her)… but the word vaginally came out without a thought.
For me that clinched it.
She’s where she always should have been.