changeling times

trials and tribulations of eclectic chicken

oh dear…. December 10, 2012

Filed under: cancer,thinks — eclectic chicken @ 8:58 pm
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It would seem that 100mg of morphine is not a good thing to be taking… specially not 100mg plus a spoonful of syrup whenever I feel i need one.

hmmm.

I’m told that isn’t about pain relief its about addiction.

And I’ve taken that and a reducing morphine regime on the chin.

It felt quite bad having my syrup locked up in a drawer until the addiction word was mentioned at which point my stubborness instantly set in …I don’t DO addiction. I even gave up chocolate for a decade becuase I began to suspect it may be addictive…. I got quite evangelical (and for me a bit feministy) about people joking about giving women chocolate to calm them down…and women buy into it…. its the opiate for an entire gender…. it has highs..its has withdrawels…blah blah…

Anyway…. this one had crept under my radar…. or maybe it was a case of ‘where have you been all my life’? Morphine doesn’t make me feel sick….. and my bowels (ulcerated as they are) are a credit to me still moving against such a beast as this. (and on only one sachet of laxative a day too).

Had it crept under my radar?

Really?

Yes and no…. its easy to lie to yourself and I’m excellent at finding reasons for doing things when I want to do them…

and maybe more importantly… for the last three years or so… ok… seven if we count post natal depression I’ve been seeking my smooth green lawn with wooden loungers and starchily clad nurses…. ambling 1930’s Doctors… verandah’s… the occassional craft lesson to break up the day… etc etc.

I’m not going to get that.

Morphine is a good substitute. (and a lovely isolation room helps)

And one that no-one seemed to mind me having. Because I’ve got cancer…. becuase I was in pain…. I don’t doubt i was (and will be again) in pain but the trigger that sent me for another spoon of syrup was psychological not physical.

For once in my life I was happy not caring who was in charge…. it meant I couldn’t drive…. it probably even meant Jane couldn’t bugger off as often as she’d like leaving me at home and worried about coping.

I dunno.

But for the first time in a long time I felt ok.

Like I felt ok back in the early summer thinking I was going to do my massage course this year, get my life together and move over to be near my mum and help my sister with her

…And then I got cancer… and life got put on hold again.

Its not the cancer I mind (or at least I didn’t whilst on the morphine)…. shit happens…  but has it got to happen to me again…. now….?

The syrup bottle has stayed in hospital…. the tablets are reducing….

…I’m craving chocolate….

…it’ll have to do.

 

 

 

juggling morphine November 28, 2012

Filed under: cancer — eclectic chicken @ 8:43 pm
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36 hours ago … my morphine usage was spiralling…  but let me fill you in how its used…. you have a base layer of long release drug that you take every twelve hours. It should keep you at a constant lever of relief…

Above and beyond that is a syrup taken by mouth as neccessary… usually 1-2 spoons every 4 to six hours.

You keep checking on the intake of the quick release stuff  until you work out the base level that gives you good cover and then just take the syrup in extreme circs.

I started off on a base 10mg… double the next morning to 20mg and then Jane went and signed for some new 30mg tablets at the pharmacy.

I was lasting less than two hours between each two spoonfuls… waking every couple of hours in the night in pain… as I said spiralling.

…. and then something happened.

I’m not sure what…

It could have been having to lie on my side for the bone marrow removal (a posion I havn’t been able to maintain in a while).

But last night I went to bed in Janes bed and found I could lie on my side… sleep on my side…. could sleep for several hours. Only needed 4 spoons of syrup last night (and that was with keeping the 20 mg base).

Maybe I’ve just reached my plateau of pain relief… if so… brilliant.

But Grendel feels smaller… could be that spending time in a different position has shifted it from blocking/pressing on something specific.

Dunno.

I’ll have to talk to my MacMillan nurse tomorrow…. and cross fingers the pain level stays where it is.

oh and strange morphine dream number 342… waking up in the night folding invisible things onto a pile of neatly folded things on my stomach.

 

 
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