changeling times

trials and tribulations of eclectic chicken

First refusal October 3, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 11:40 pm
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This feels almost too personal to write about….and so the ins and outs (fnaaarg) will have to stay rattling round my head until jane and I do that thing thats so hard to do in long term relationships which is sit down sometime and talk openly and honestly about what we want as opposed to what we think the other person might want or even want to hear.

Janes blogs at the moment seem to be about her sexual awakening (she almost seems to be saying its not a re-awakening as in the past us mean ol’ girls have tricked her into bed). But anyway…. something is stirring in the port of amsterdame.

Now I think she’ll experiment with men at some point…. she just will…. just like she experiments with jeggings and diets and zumba…. it will give her further empathy for the female experience – seeing as the majority of women are straight it’ll let her into the club that complains about men farting in bed (huh…it’s not like i don’t oblige in that department) and sleeping in the wet patch (on my best menopausal nights i can oblige there too)…. but anyway…. men are men are men and all the reasons I love them so are probably the reasons she’ll feel she’ll need to experiment with them.Though my guess would be with someone fairly weedy who she can boss around.

But on the other hand…as she says her orientation hasn’t changed…. except she’s gone ‘stone’ whatever the fuck that is. I think its a political word for ‘gone off sex’.

I in turn have tuned in empathically to the male way of being…. I’ve been understanding…. made a few half hearted attempts… and then gone off and found someone else to get up to high jinks with (but unlike many people I do it with Janes support and acceptance…. such a civilised way to behave I think where a couples physical needs are out of synch).

But unlike most people whose partner’s libido eventually starts to kickstart again….I’m faced with a whole new kettle of fish (and no its not kettle shaped and no i don’t think it smells of anything other than iodine and lubricant)…

….anyway…. I digress…

…so… here I am… having been left on the shelf to sort myself out for a couple of years and suddenly she’s blogging about sexual urges.

The question is….and this is I guess where we need a heart to heart… but I guess I’m scared of the answer…. is does she want to ‘do’ stuff with me.  If she does…. I think I’d need a hell of a lot of gentle wooing as I’ve been cast aside not only as a sexual partner but in the way its made me question my attractiveness as a woman… nay…my femininity itself.

But I get the feeling Jane wants to be the wooed as opposed to the wooer…. again… getting that female experience.

I think where I am…faced with a middle aged woman who I love very much but don’t exactly fancy… is that I think I deserve first refusal.

I’m happy with the big hairy cigar smoking bear of a man I’m comparing stamp collections with at the moment and I’ll be happy and curiously excited to accept whoever and whatever she brings home in the same way she does for me.

So I think the balls are in her court. (so to speak)

 

The man in my life. September 10, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 9:49 pm
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Jane said in the beginning this time would come and i think at the time i pooh poohed it.

But….the time has come indeed, for me to admit that life without a man would be unbearable.

And yes…. I’ve not had sex this year.

I’ll pre-empt you  sending me recommendations for dildos etc. by saying there is more to a man than his penis.

I miss a million things about a man…. ok..maybe not a million, but it extends way beyond the sexual.

So after much discussion….much of the much being Jane persuading me its the right thing to do to keep me sane.

I got me a man.*

My counseller (bless him) said the new relationship would ‘fill a hole for me’….(cue me falling off my chair laughing)

He also suggested it would be very good for my seratonin levels and when the novelty wore off i should get me another one.

Jane is my love….my family…. she’s very lucky to have me….and conversely I’m very lucky to have her.

*details available on request 🙂

 

Privacy and a Penis February 27, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 10:44 am
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As I write this entry the only people who can see this blog are myself and Jane Fae….I hope i’ll make it public again sometime, and in the meantime i’ll let people read who i am happy being a part of my personal life.

Two things brought about this change.

The second of which (which will make more sense when i tell you the first) is that our blogs are now public knowledge in the place where we live….and more specifically in the church Jane attends.

I can handle friends reading about my feelings and thoughts, I can handle anonymous strangers reading them….but the middle ground…those who read my blog, obviously don’t like what they read, are part of my real life community and leave anonymous comments….eugh…thats a bit freaky.

I’m not sure i want to go out into the community today.

Which brings us back to my first thing.

….but before i get to it i shall digress and remind myself that i started writing this blog for me…to keep my thoughts and memories of this huge period of change in some order and perspective. I then realised reading it might help other people get through the same thing, and of course it keep those interested up to date with where i an Jane are.

Yesterday i saw a penis.

My partners penis, and i was surprised.

I’d forgotten she had one. We gave up the cockcentric sex almost two months ago when it became clear Jane didn’t enjoy it and never really had been enamoured of it and since then she’s been pretty much wearing full-time pants.

I probably hadn’t REALLY forgotten its existance…..but like a toy you put up on top of the wardrobe….it’s just been out of sight and out of mind.

It was nice to see Janes cock…like recognising an old friend in the street (we were in the bedroom in actuality i hasten to add)!

But gosh it looked incongruous. Especially as she was mostly dressed at the time (don’t ask)!

Now…i’m sure i don’t see Jane as a woman, I don’t really think of her as female…I think of her as….her…the person she is… but theres obviously been some shift away from seeing her as male.

And thats a positive and a good thing.

Its also quite a big important step forward that i want to remember.

And i didnt think i could write it down knowing just anyone could read it.

 

couldn’t have been much worse…. February 19, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 6:10 pm
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I may have sold my soul to the devil (see last blog) but at least I havn’t given it to the Catholic Church.

Jane defrocked yesterday and went to see her parish priest.

It wasn’t good.

She went in to ask about being herself when she goes to church (its the last place she wears mens clothes for) and came out in deep doodoo for living in sin.

Not being of a religious bent i can’t personally grasp the magnitude of being barred from communion….but I know its a huge deal for Jane….she cares enough about her faith for me to allow our son to be christened in the Catholic church.

We’ve now entered some mad conundrum about sin and sex  and all manner of stuff.

I’ve been led by John into a certain view of the Catholic church…a fairly libertarian, easy going version that has a lot in common with eastern philosophies.

A version solidified by the last pope….the nice polish geezer. And our last parish priest….a lovely old Irish priest who wouldn’t have stood out a mile on Craggy Island and who would I’m sure have seen the irony in himself a man in a frock needing to deal with Jane, a man in a frock.

The outcome would have been the same as it was from the present incumbent a missionary from Kenya… but it may have been done in a more personable way.

So now….i’m the bringer of sin….my son the product of sin…and Jane in a sinful relationship…. its not great.

Mostly it can be sorted…with time…an annulment…a marriage (in the church)….

that doesn’t cover the debate to be had about whether we’ll be able to have sex…and if we arent considered able to have sex…does that make what we have now less sinful….we’re in a catch22 situation.

What a tangled web we weave.

I don’t do god….i could do religion, the sense of belonging, the community feel…even the comfort of ritual but my literal brain can’t manage the belief bit.

But if i did believe in god….i couldn’t be doing with a god who apparantly can’t accept a lovely, gentle, good person like Jane for who she is.

 

on the verge of disaster January 12, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 1:12 pm
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J is six foot three and i am 5 ft 5 and a (very important) half.  Last night when we were communing in our cohabitable bed there came a point where he rolled over and held my wrists and went to pin me down.

…and then gasped a horrified ‘oh no’ leapt out of bed and ran for the bathroom.

I knew we’d crossed a line you weren’t comfortable with, after our hours of talking and tentatively, sensitively starting to redefine the way we interact sexually i’d obviously driven you back to an old pattern of behaviour that maybe you never liked….never really wanted to do.

Horrified, i called after you…..

And out of the bathroom came Jane….very definitely Jane clutching my bag of nailcare ecoutrements and came back to bed, took out a file and filed a nail. She thought she’d broken a nail in going to pin me down.

A month ago, the old you wouldn’t have done that but neither would i have taken it with the grace i did. Neither would we both have sat and laughed about the situation.

Only this morning did i find out that you hadn’t even thought you’d broken a nail…..but just that you might break a nail.

Love might be able to transcend all obstacles…. but a sense of humour helps.

 

 
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