mentally I guess it’s just taken this week to make that shift…. I’ve still not heard from the oncology department (hopefully tomorrow or i’ll be chasing them) but this week my team of web monkeys have been busy.
When I say web monkeys I mean most everyone I know who cares about me and is computer literate…. having heard that for the first time ever in the history of the intermeweb I am avoiding google through sheer terror – they have been googling by proxy.
Now everytime someone rings me up to say I have an 82.something% survival rate over 5 years I tell them wikipedia isn’t as any fule knows a reliable resource… but I do quite like the figure they’ve all come up with that out of the 120 people who died from lymphoma in the last year a 100% of them were over 60…or 65…or something.
It’s good to have friends.
On the down side my sympathy wringing is now known as being totally tongue in cheek…. and people are being nice to me becuase I’m going to be having a shit few months ahead as opposed to I might be dead by Christmas….
In fact give it another week and we may find out I’m one of those people who react well to chemotherapy and then I’ve got no chance of anyone being extra nice to me.
I guess deep down and despite wikipedia certainty there’s a part of me which is still very very scared…. its scary when your body rebels… a bit like old age in extra fast forward.
It cheers me up to cope with the worst case scenario with humour…. I’ve expressed very loudly that I want a coffin shaped pork pie on the funeral buffet and Wreckless Erics Final Taxi at some point in the proceedings… and I want to be buried in my wedding dress a gimp mask and a wicker coffin….
some of these things will be remembered when my time eventually comes hopefully in about 40 years… others will fade…and no doubt i’ll grow back out of my wedding dress again.
But I’m doing what lots of people try not to do… I’m thinking about my own death and to be honest the only thing that really scares me is how it will make those feel who I would leave behind. (damn my vague belief in a sort of general reincarnation)
So if all I need to do is stay stubbornly alive whilst they fry my insides I think I can do that… especially with so much help and support around.
And becuase i’ve spent so much time this week thinking about the people I love I cadged a lift up to Sheffield yesterday to see the best of my web monkeys… me and my daughter had a wonderful evening catching up on this series of Walking Dead and eating sushi and then I was in bed by about half eight.
Code red and I know my life was worth living just to be able to leave her in the world to prove I was here.
Code amber…and we’re going to have many many more sushi and zombie nights 🙂