changeling times

trials and tribulations of eclectic chicken

gosh…so this is what normal feels like January 29, 2013

Filed under: cancer,home stuff — eclectic chicken @ 7:46 pm
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I’m in my ‘good week’ of my three week chemo cycle…well… usually its about a week but this cycle its been foreshortened by the stinky cold that lingered and lingered.

Yesterday I felt quite chipper and was booked in for a PETCT scan down in Cambridge. The mobile unit that in the leaflet looked to be parked in a green and pleasant land turns out to be in a car park at Addenbrookes hospital. They inject you with radioactive glucose (even the syringe is lead enclosed..and the man that does the injection scarpers fairly fast). They then sit you in a waiting room for an hour (well spaced out so the patients don’t set up some sort of exponential build up of radioactivity bouncing off each other). Then once fully charged one lies on a bed that goes through a tube for a bit and then you are sent on your merry way and told not to hug any chidren, puppies or pregnant ladies for a few hours.

By the time I’d wandered down to find Jane in the hospital food court and eaten some Burger King fodder (which just feels perverted in a hospital) I was feeling knackered and needed a lie down..or three.

Jane went to London to have a discussion with some feminist types on the radio and the boy and I had a very laid back evening distributing lego accross his bedroom floor.

Today… we were up early as its choir practise on Tuesday mornings before school. I dropped the boy off (little knowing there was no choir practice this week and he’d have to spend forty minutes in the library with all the other children whose parents can’t read e-mails) and took the dog for a walk. He couldn’t believe his luck as its possibly the first walk in  several weeks. He made friends with a beagle, got very muddy and I suspect found some fox shit as theres a queer smell in the dining room tonight and if its not him it’s me…so I’m counting on it being him.

Then home, did some washing, some tidying…. went to hospital to have some blood taken and see the consultant… came home…visited the hairdressers accross the road for a catch up… had lunch…. did more washing… made supper (lamb shoulder, butternut squash, carrots and roast potatoes), walked to school and picked the boy up… ate supper… took boy to cubs even though he wasn’t feeling totally well, picked Jane up from town….

A normal day…. and it felt brilliant to be doing it all.

I suspect I’m going to have another good day tomorrow before chemo again on Thursday…. I’ve got a list of things to do building already.


shedloads of therapy February 7, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 3:58 pm
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Yesterday we went back for more joint counselling and came away with the suggestion that i might benefit from my own session.

Actually that might work quite well….that way the NHS can deal with my general depressed fuckedupness and in Cambridge i can deal with issues directly linked to all things trans and around.

Having a trans partner does raise all sorts of things to the surface…. it seems that trans people often choose people who are atypical gender wise to be their partners.

I certainly had a dose of the Philip Larkins in my childhood (don’t we all)?…but it does seem very centred on gender.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill up with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

The counsellor asked me a very tricky question… could i name any females i identify with?

The only one i wrenched out of thin air was Greta Garbo. Where did that come from? Unless its lnked to  my new lifestyle fantasy of growing old, wearing tweed, smoking fags, drinking whisky and listening to Jane potter in the kitchen.

A very domesticated dream of elderly dykery…but as i explained to Jane yesterday…a vast improvement on my dreams of old age when she was John… there was just an emptiness then, something i couldn’t imagine.

The afternoon in Cambridge was spent pleasantly with new friends and several snakes (much to the small boys delight and Js terror).

And late last night i dug out my albums of childhood pictures and looked with new eyes.  A small boy… someone who looked miserable in a dress…so many of the pictures of me looking pretty and feminine have accompanying memories of arguements to get me to wear whichever dress it was.  Pictures of me in a cowboy suit weilding a pistol. Pictures of me sitting knees apart hands on thighs.  Why have i an album which could be of a boy growing up?

It was a family joke that i was a tomboy… it a joke that i still need to find the punchline of?

I’m not dysphoric with my body…. but maybe i am with my gender. Can i separate out those two things?

Even later pics from my late teens, early twenties with cropped hair, wearing old mens pyjamas and cardigans…J described them as having the look of girls ones sees at gender conferences.

Methinks i need to start researching genderqueer and get used to the counselling sessions.


it could only get better (and did) January 23, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 9:45 pm
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The day didn’t start well…the cake my daughter had made for tomorrows party got burnt when she fell asleep last night with it in the oven.

J and I and the small boy set off for a day in Cambridge…a day to include Js first counselling session. Unfortunately the A14 was closed and we got sent on a twenty mile detour….towards the end of the detour, realising we were going to be horrendously late i decided to drive and so whilst idling in traffic we got out and did the two door runaround….much to the hilarity of the couple in the car behind. How much of the hilarity was caused by the two door action and how much by suddenly having a tranny in a long purple skirt dash by on a Saturday morning, will ever remain a mystery.

The session was good, we both sat in on some of it (the professional consensus seems to be i’m still in shock) and then i extracted small boy from the tv* and took him to the shops to give J some quality counselling time.

I think he came out of it feeling a lot more normal.

We then did the ‘walk of shame’ through Cambridge on a Saturday afternoon.

J was almost a split identity today, the top half (unless you looked carefully and noticed her jewellry) was fairly male and the bottom half a very elegant (if slightly inappropriately dressed for the weather) lady.  (Note to Jane: buy boots)!

So many people did the up and down look…followed by the doubletake upand down look….followed by the just checking upanddown look…followed by the…..(but by then she had swept on by, or i suspect some of them would have kept on nodding til their heads exploded).

But i stayed close…mostly….when i left her to walk alone it was mostly to watch other people react.

Couples so absorbed with each other they don’t see. Children tugging at parents and being told to shush. A grimace from a man whose face looked as though it does little else. Lots of smiles…some laughs and a rude Big Issue seller who called me Madam and J ‘whatever you are’ (i guess he missed out on the customer relations pep talk when he bought his mags).

At the end of the day we called at the Bar Hill enormous Tescos to pick up party stuff and i’m afraid my patience ran out when to enormously fat unattractive women passed J by and cracked up and turned and pointed and laughed some more.  I glided between them with my trolley, leaned in to the larger of the two and said ‘but at least she’s not horrendously fat like you two’.  I guess i’ve just been kicked out of the pc minorities unite club but it made me feel a damn sight better.

And i think J saw it as a positive step that i’m not disowning her 🙂

In fact I can see Js transition becoming a real opportunity for my social Tourettes to flourish.

We limped home (literally in Js case…damned new pumps) and found my daughter had ressurected the burnt cake into an astounding chocolate treasure chest cake.

*the tv was of the gogglebox variety



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