The gaps get longer and longer between blog entries but I can’t quite walk away from here. Its knocking on for four years since I started writing… thats a lot of words and thoughts and emotion to let adrift into the ether to find its own way without me.
I think I can safely say there have been interesting times… the best of times and the worst of times. But maybe without the ‘best of’ bit.
Still recovering from the dose of cancer…still picking myself up physically and mentally from the feat of endurance that is getting through cancer and its treatment.
Still recovering from having a partner transition.
Still not over the emotional deluge…. I find myself now with ‘baggage’. I used to think it just meant being encumbered with children and the general detritus of past relationships…. now I know its more than that. Deeper than that. Far harder than that.
There are scars in my ability to trust that still itch deep.
There are dints in my sense of self that don’t just pop back to normal on the bounce.
In fact I don’t quite bounce emotionally like I used to once upon a time a long time ago.
I can still leap into being with someone like a kid into a paddling pool..sheer joy and sparkly water… but then I panic about the sharks.
But there might be.
Like the monsters under the bed…one can never be sure. Even when the water is crystal clear.
So here we are… me and my baggage…
Its been a wonderful summer. There have been friends and relatives and sunshine and good food.
There have been bottles of wine drunk, games of scrabble played and the fumblings and writhings of a new relationship.
Trying not to remember that after happiness comes the pain.
Sharks at four o clock.
Just in time for tea.
If I cancel out the transition…forget it..blank it totally: I used to go out with a bloke called John, we split up about three and a half years ago. Since then there have been a couple of people…. see.. all normal… no real baggage there.
Trouble is since I split up with John there has been this huge emotional earthquake, followed by a tsunami that I’ve forced myself through and its affected every single part of my life.
I SO want to let it go.
Just let it go….
My baggage is like the Old Man of the Sea and it doesn’t feel like the separation is my decision.
But I can’t hope for the past to let go of me instead of me letting go of the past.
I just have to say that I am the sum total of my past days and stick to that like I stuck to ‘not minding’ that my partner was transitioning or that there was a chance of my dying.
I can be very stubborn like that.
So this is the person I am.
Amidst the moments of crushing insecurity I walk accross the heads of sharks.