I’m prossibly as confused at this point than I was when I wrote ‘Two Years On’ almost a year ago.
Buuuut…. yanno…. I’ve got more things to be confused about which in itself is positive as my life no longer revolves around Janes transition.
I like to think that had I done my massage course last year when I first mooted it, or had I not been ill most of this year culminating in being very ill and having chemotherapy… I might be living somewhere else by this point, with the boy and the dog.
In reality that’s just not practical, as co-parents and people who have been in a relationship nearly a decade life isn’t just that easy or simple.
But the mental shift is made.
Much as I loved John, unfortunate that it was that my falling in love and commiting to someone coincided with (and perhaps in some way enabled) that person totally changing their life… Jane is not John.
There are similarieties and traits… they are the same person… but Jane is not John.
Okay…Jane is not John. So what now?
I guess its where we’ve been all along – finding someway to balance our family responsibilities and our individual needs.
Ideally with my mum becoming more in need of care I should be over in Cheshire helping my sister.
Ideally Jane should be living close to us so the boy can maintain some sense of having two parents who love and want to parent him.
Ideally I need to have some level of financial independece.
Ideally…. Jane would be John and all this shit would go away. (or maybe it wouldn’t)
But at least I understand where I am now… I’m at the same stage I was with my marriage. I know the situation is not working… that its not feasible in it’s present form… its just finding a solution that suits everyone concerned… especially me.
I’ve lived through the most challenging of times… and now with cancer (described as the biggest challenge most people will face in their lives) it feels like I have to be the one to be put first.
But I suspect the only person who is going to do that is me.
And I’m still not totally ready. (or more importantly able)
I know what John would have done about this… he’d have come up with a solution that worked for me (for us all) and made it happen.
I’ve not got the foggiest what she’ll do…. she’s a law unto herself.