changeling times

trials and tribulations of eclectic chicken

have I fallen over yet? May 12, 2012

Filed under: thinks — eclectic chicken @ 9:26 am
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My new IP (bit like cbt but different) therapy (and nothing to do with my IP address) is fairly structured. This week I got to draw a mind map of my relationships with the people around me… last week was making a start on my ‘trauma line’.

What was really strange was I woke up one morning this week and suddenly realised that I’d left my divorce off my trauma line… we’d talked about my marriage ending, my meeting Jane (that wasn’t a trauma just a context point)! and most recently of all the hoohah around Janes transition.

My divorce happened over the time I was pregnant with the boy and lasted well into his second year… I could really have done without the stress… it was nasty, as divorces can be. Although Jane buffered me from much of the workings it was still MY divorce…and I went through it.

I distinctly remember a point where I said when all this is over I’m going to fall over and not get back up.

As far as I remember I was diagnosed very late in the day (18 months post birth) with post natal depression… at the time I don’t think it occurred to me to mention I was undergoing a divorce.

At that point I still didn’t accept that I ‘did’ depression… but post natal depression was okay… understandable becuase it just happens… hormones…lack of sleep whatever. It was, for me, an acceptable form of depression.

As it happened I took the tablets, like you do, farmed the boy out to nursery a couple of mornings a week (something I wouldn’t ever have approved of normally) and caught up on some sleep… thought I’d postpone falling over and not getting up until the boy started school and I could find the time to do it.

But I never did.

Jane happened not long after the boy started school…. kicked my legs from under me… but strangely enough I didn’t fall over.

I stayed up… stayed walking…

But part of me sees it as a missed opportunity… I wish I wasn’t so resiliant… I wish I had fallen over properly and not got back up.

…. my trauma line reads a bit like a soldier running towards an enemy line… the bullets keep hitting but somehow the impetus keeps him running, spasmodic with the hits, but without falling over.

I’ve missed my chance to lie down and rest.

I dream of old fashioned institutions, smooth green lawns with white uniformed nurses… a little macrame in the afternoons. I dream of setting off famous five stylee in a gypsy caravan with nary a care in the world just me and the dog and a damn fine never ending picnic.

In reality I walk the dog in the sunshine and feel the wind on my face, look at the flowers and listen to the skylarks.

I’m not going to fall over, let alone stay down… and some days I still resent that fact.


3 Responses to “have I fallen over yet?”

  1. A reader Says:

    I like this.
    Sometimes I also resent walking. I also want to lie down without a care in the world and be looked after. Not have all the responsibilities. Not have everyone tell me how strong I am being. Sometimes I want to be weak. But that’s not okay. Lying down is like a Class A drug. It’s oh so tempting to maybe just try it, but will I like it too much or will it just make me throw up?

  2. debzmaher Says:

    yeah but we don’t fall over cos there is never the time – however the odd lie down on a patch of convenient earth/grass/ river bank in fact anywhere u can see the sky is both advisable and therapeutic. i still do it in day time and night too if it reasonable on the weather front! no point in resenting the fact that we (as women/mums/the ones who really where the trousers) are the stronger sex/gender take your pick of words there – i actually have a male partner who says this unequivocally (which is rare in a full hetero male human). we are stronger mentally and have more endurance than our male counterparts – what we don’t match in physical strength we overcome by practical cunning! the point is that like it or not, we can fall over but most of us choose not to – at least for very long – i fell over after Simon left me and Oliver (then 11 1/2) held me up and kept me going, as did a very good gay male friend! but fallen over or not, I still did what needed doing – albeit slowly and sometimes applying the 5 minute rule to everyday chores, i managed to keep working and gave in to the prozac – they work for me I make no excuses, i allowed myself to fall apart mentally but still keep body and soul together. and i did lay on a few grassy patches in the local park and stare at the sky/clouds and just let my mind dissolve into the greater outside rather than turn inwards. am getting waffly as is a tad late for coherent thought – and a possible squirrel effect – will explain that one privately.
    what i am trying to say is that we don’t fall over, our biological imperative doesn’t allow it for too long, we have to keep going, don’t mean u cant be silly and emotional and all girly and be feeble for a bit, unfortunately i suspect that u cant maintain it for long and we as friends wouldn’t believe it for long either. So square up, get ya dungarees on, get out there in the open and commune with nature – yes the skylarks, yes the flowers, yes the river and all of that is so much bigger than us and kind of puts our ego in perspective. Because at the end of the day we cant change other people, places or things – only how we deal with them, can only change ourselves – so u can spend a lifetime fighting yourself because ‘ u r right’ and the others need to change their attitude/religion/clothes/politics (delete that which does not apply) , then everything would be OK because the world works the way you want it too – it doesn’t, it never will, it works the way each individual works it for them and is each our own little selfish paradise/hell depending which way u see things.
    So be human, have the odd falling over moment. but end of the day it wont change the situation, whatever it is at the moment, you can only hopefully deal with it on your terms. a little help from therapy and some good sensible mates – who wont pull their punches!! like me for instance. so give me a call – i have another 11 days off work – am sure we can find an Andrea shaped hole sometime within that. am trying to catch up with all my good friends !

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