The weekend was spent thinking I was coming down with something… Jane abandoned me to the tender administrations of the small boy on Saturday while she went to London. His tender administrations consisted of checking I still had cold coffee by the bed (which was there becuase i don’t drink cold coffee) and bringing me some biscuits. He then went off to visit neighbours and later spent time making a ‘magic potion’ in a bucket in the sitting room (whilst he knew he could get away with it).
My coming down with something…never transpired…. I felt sick, achey, dizzy when I stood up and had just lost the will to get out of bed.
Sunday morning… I had to get out of bed and the boy and I went up to Sheffield to pick my daughter up from Uni and bring her home for Christmas…. I spent a lot of the day on the verge of tears with a horrendous headache… once home I couldn’t stop crying.
On Monday morning (waking as though I hadn’t slept and hating the fact the world was still there) it occurred to me that I had all the symptoms of being depressed.
It then dawned on me that I may have forgotten to take my anti-depressents. There had definitely been a couple of nights when I’d laid in bed on the verge of sleep and thought -‘shit, i’ve forgotten to take my tablet’ followed by ‘its cold out of bed, just missing one or two won’t matter’. You see I was under the illusion that as it takes several weeks to ‘go up’ it would take the same to ‘go down’.
I counted my tablets…. studied the calendar… and lo and behold… I was a week behind. A weeks not so bad surely.
Apart from the internet tells me that citalopram has a 36 hour half life.
That may explain the way i feel. A mixture of sympton return and withdrawals.
But other than being pretty horrid… its made me realise just what the drugs have been doing for me… several people have told me this happens sometimes when you’ve been on the tablets a while and are on an up and life feels fine. You either decide to come off them… or forget to take them becuase at some level you don’t perceive yourself as needing them.
I think its made me realise I’m better on them. Definitely.
I’m very carefully taking them again… and hopefully they’ll start working soon… I really had, in the last couple of months, begun to feel I was getting my shit together.