This feels almost too personal to write about….and so the ins and outs (fnaaarg) will have to stay rattling round my head until jane and I do that thing thats so hard to do in long term relationships which is sit down sometime and talk openly and honestly about what we want as opposed to what we think the other person might want or even want to hear.
Janes blogs at the moment seem to be about her sexual awakening (she almost seems to be saying its not a re-awakening as in the past us mean ol’ girls have tricked her into bed). But anyway…. something is stirring in the port of amsterdame.
Now I think she’ll experiment with men at some point…. she just will…. just like she experiments with jeggings and diets and zumba…. it will give her further empathy for the female experience – seeing as the majority of women are straight it’ll let her into the club that complains about men farting in bed (huh…it’s not like i don’t oblige in that department) and sleeping in the wet patch (on my best menopausal nights i can oblige there too)…. but anyway…. men are men are men and all the reasons I love them so are probably the reasons she’ll feel she’ll need to experiment with them.Though my guess would be with someone fairly weedy who she can boss around.
But on the other hand…as she says her orientation hasn’t changed…. except she’s gone ‘stone’ whatever the fuck that is. I think its a political word for ‘gone off sex’.
I in turn have tuned in empathically to the male way of being…. I’ve been understanding…. made a few half hearted attempts… and then gone off and found someone else to get up to high jinks with (but unlike many people I do it with Janes support and acceptance…. such a civilised way to behave I think where a couples physical needs are out of synch).
But unlike most people whose partner’s libido eventually starts to kickstart again….I’m faced with a whole new kettle of fish (and no its not kettle shaped and no i don’t think it smells of anything other than iodine and lubricant)…
….anyway…. I digress…
…so… here I am… having been left on the shelf to sort myself out for a couple of years and suddenly she’s blogging about sexual urges.
The question is….and this is I guess where we need a heart to heart… but I guess I’m scared of the answer…. is does she want to ‘do’ stuff with me. If she does…. I think I’d need a hell of a lot of gentle wooing as I’ve been cast aside not only as a sexual partner but in the way its made me question my attractiveness as a woman… nay…my femininity itself.
But I get the feeling Jane wants to be the wooed as opposed to the wooer…. again… getting that female experience.
I think where I am…faced with a middle aged woman who I love very much but don’t exactly fancy… is that I think I deserve first refusal.
I’m happy with the big hairy cigar smoking bear of a man I’m comparing stamp collections with at the moment and I’ll be happy and curiously excited to accept whoever and whatever she brings home in the same way she does for me.
So I think the balls are in her court. (so to speak)