changeling times

trials and tribulations of eclectic chicken

Where are we now? September 11, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 7:07 pm

One teen (having quite stupendously failed her second attempt at AS levels.. almost to the point of suspected self sabotage) has moved out… thus making the house a whole lot less stressful… quieter…. and less argument ridden. She’s back at college and independence is a purely hypothetical thing as she’s being closely monitored (and funded).

The other teen pulled a BBB out of the hat at A level and is off to Uni next weekend. Without her the house will quieten and tidy another notch again… but that one I’ll miss.  At times I feel my eyes brimming up thinking of another person I’m losing, this time to adulthood and real independence… but I’m fairly content she goes into the world fairly prepared and when she’s not I’m confident she’ll ask.

The boy has grown a pace over the summer in height and confidence too.

…and me?

I’m up and down.. I’m on the waiting list for cbt… but who knows… by the time I get to the front of the queue I may not need it. Mostly this summer really drained me, emotionally, mentally, physically. I take the odd day out, and I’m putting energy back into the house when I have it.

…And Jane… of course.

I feel more and more of a ‘spare part’… she writes so much about how she has changed everything in her life for the better and I do wonder if we are a hindrence to her… the ‘wife’ who makes her stand out in a crowd when she may otherwise pass and the son who shouts ‘Dad’ accross shops.

So little of the person left who was there before.

She brims with confidence and glows with health… she tells me people comment on it all the time. But I can’t work out why she is so surprised she has just taken 18 months to totally change her life… to make it good… to be who she wants to be.

Whereas I’ve had 18 months of having my world turned upside-down and inside out.

I’m still not sure where I am.



3 Responses to “Where are we now?”

  1. Lucy Melford Says:

    I do feel for you. I saw my own partner wither as my transition progressed. She saw only the destruction of the past fifteen-odd years, and nothing in the future. I hope this is not what lies in store for you.


  2. Rebecca Pink Says:

    I wouldn’t call myself selfish but what I am doing is nothing but selfish. Do I have a choice – not sure of the answer to that one. Inclined to say no but only through blogs such as yours do I see the other side.

    My wife gives little but support but it can’t be easy. She says it’s not easy for me either but that statement masks so many of her feelings.

    I wish it were different but I am glad she has stayed. I am sure Jane feels the same.

    • eclectic chicken Says:

      so many things to do with transition are two opposing things at the same time…. the selfish act that isn’t selfish at all… the grieving for a partner that is simultaneously happiness for a partner, wishing things were different but accepting how they are….

      i wish you and your wife the very best…. I hope you tell her often how glad you are that she’s still there. xx

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