Much as I love Jane she can be very self centred… I guess it can be one of the side effects, by products (?) of transitioning.
It’s been a tough couple of weeks…its been a tough couple of years.
My back is telling me that I’m doing far more running around and fetching and carrying than usual… and the exercises I do for my back (which are obviously not as important as dilation…but do manage to keep me upright and walking) are being snatched at odd moments in the day. (Well… I guess I could be doing them now… but venting feels even more helpful than lying on the floor stretching my legs and clenching my core muscles).
Anyway its been a tough couple of weeks… we’ve pulled together as a family (mostly)… but yesterday I had to have words with the teen who isn’t mine. Things that normally wouldn’t be too important, like whether someone is in to supper or not, when you are running at full capacity suddenly become important…. as is only having to ask once and not spending more time explaining exactly what you want doing than it would take to do a job yourself.
I can’t possibly go into the ins and outs of being a step mum… but I find it difficult, I have tried…. and I have tried not trying…. but the child is very trying and most people I do open up to are amazed I put up with it (not just the behaviour but the way it is managed- and no my managing it isn’t an option).
So all it took was a blow up on my part (ten minutes after supper was done dusted and eaten when the teen came downstairs and starting to rummage for food to eat when they said they’d be out for it)… and the teen telling me I had the problem whilst she had a social life that couldn’t possibly be planned in advance (normal knockabout family banter) for me to hit a wall today.
I’m suddenly exhausted again…. the black cloud hovers…. I can’t stand noise (especially cutlery on crockery) and the crying is back.
The final straw was following the said teen buggering off to her social life (taking just the plate she’d eaten off to the kitchen… always the bare minimum) I washed up, tidied up and started to put the boy to bedwhilst Jane does her dilation. In tears… becuase its the end of a long day and I’m exhausted… and Jane flounces onto the landing in a skirt she’s never been able to wear before becuase its clingy on the crotch and starts twirling and asking me what I think…
I think my answer was “I don’t give a shit”.
End of rant…. thanks for listening.