When I go and look round someones house with the intention of maybe buying it and they have bread baking and coffee on the stove…. my first thought is a cynical ‘thses people are really desperately trying to sell their house’… meanwhile the feelgood aroma of bread and coffee is infiltrating my brain… hahaha…imagine thinking the smell of coffee…mmmm dark roasted….and bread….mmmm smells nearly done…… could alter my perception of someones house. Surely that off cream leather sofa is as likely to put me off buying into this lifestyle opportunity….as coffee….mmmm….and brea…oooooh.. the dining room smells lemony…look a large bowl of lemons… what did you say the asking price was?
The last couple of weeks have been sort of the antithesis of this process.
I’ve said before…Janes op isn’t a big thing from the perspective of what she’ll lose. But it is a big op. I’ve been cool and calm and collected about it.
But as it approaches other people start to worry….
I know I’m right in not running away screaming…. I’m cool with this whole thing.
And Jane starts to worry.
Its fine…she’s about to have a big op…followed by a life time of dilation and douching. Thats cool… its not me that has to do it.And over the last couple of weeks the smell of fear has got to me.
The logic of its not a major landmark in her transition just a major op… has become AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH…ITS A PIVITAL POINT IN OUR LIVES AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE THE SAME AGAIN.
Thats fine…. it won’t. It’ll be better. Jane will have her new VJ… the op will be behind us. (hopefully- becuase we do have the added stress of last minute tests which may mean she’ll be put under general anasthetic and then wake up still encocked…see Janes blog for detail…i really can’t be arsed going there).
But basically just as I’ve lived the last year and a half in the schitzophrenic wonderland of simultaneously enjoying Janes transformation, and grieving the loss of a man I used to love. I now find myself in a position of being happy the op is near… seeing it as a new and positive step forward…. and yet being terrified that this is it… the point of no return.
Its totally illogical…I know its a point of no return… there isn’t a tiny shred of me thinks its the wrong thing for her to do or that she’ll chuck it all in and decide manhood is where her heart is.
But I guess its a final goodbye to something…someone I lost a long time ago.