….unexpected I know.
First the shock….the numbness….the confusion…. the anger….frustration and a hundred other feelings that still occassionally raise their heads. (many of which raise their heads in any relationship where one partner machine washes the entire handwash pile without any form of consultation or by your leave). 🙂
And then there was the ‘other man’ with his penis and his hundred and one other attributes. (Many of which like mowing lawns and leaving handwash piles alone Jane used to do). […not that he does my lawn….but i know he probably owns sensible enough shoes to try it].
But…regardless… I’m still here.
Now passed the stage of ‘this time last year Jane was John’…. like any other form or bereavement time heals…the yearly anniversary passes and you get on with life. In this case with all the chaoticness (sp?) […or even is that a word?] of living with Jane that distracts from the ‘bereavement’ and makes one concentrate on the joy of a partner finding themselves.
Last week at the hospital meeting the surgeon for Janes op for the first time (more later perhaps on that) the point of my still being here was raised again. The surgeon pointed out that many partners hang on in until the surgery is definite and then there is a flashpoint…some go ballistic….some turn on the emotional blackmail..others just leave.
To me, now, the surgery is a fairly small psychological step… a huge undertaking nonetheless (physically) but psychologically we are BOTH ready for it. In fact I’m quite excited…. mostly for Jane’s sake… but also becuase its the end of a chapter (certainly not the end of transition…I’m not sure where that begins or ends) but definitely the end of a chapter and will let us, hopefully, move on together in several areas of our life.
To have got this far and to think I still have some say over whether the surgery happens or not is… well… its inconceivable. Was it day 1 post revelation or day 2 when i decided i had to realise this ‘thing’ was more important than I was?
I think the days I struggle now aren’t so much about ‘the transitional process’ but just the day to day niggles of living with someone slightly less compatible with me than I used to have…. we’re still learning and we’ll get there.