changeling times

trials and tribulations of eclectic chicken

Gendered moi? March 12, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 1:05 pm
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I think i’m reaching a personal epiphany.

Maybe i’ve reached it.

The ‘thing’ with Jane is a huge thing to come to terms with and what i’ve found is that it has made, is making, me re-assess so many things in our lives.

One of them being me.

The fact that the topic of the week/month/year  in our house is gender means its constantly at the forefront of mind in a way its never been for me before.

Do you out there <peers into the intermeweb gloom> think about who you are in terms of gender?

I’ve struggled with who i am for most of my life, i have a histoy of depression lite (and post natally dark) that stretches back to puberty. (the solution in our house was to eat more brown bread and marmite…B6/B12 dontcha know)….I’ve under achieved, i have low self esteem etc etc.

And none of it has ever even started to make sense.

Until now.

Within days of Janes coming out i started to self examine myself in gender terms. Its been a running joke, for most of our relationship, how male i can be and my blokiness has mirrored Jane’s transformation…. a reaction…a seeking balance in our relationship.

Thats what i’ve said…thats what it must be.

But…whats puzzled me is this crying lark…they way Janes gender issues upset me SO much whilst i’m totally accepting of them on a personal level.

I think i’ve been scared.

Scared that Janes coming out isn’t ‘causing’ my inner bloke but a catalyst enabling me to find it.

Now wouldn’t that be a neat and tidy story?

Boy meets girl.

Boy becomes girl.

Girl becomes boy

Girl and boy live happily ever after.

After all those who are transexual tend to have partners who are gender atypical. It would in a neat and tidy NHS approved binary transgendered world make total sense.

But life isn’t like that. People aren’t like that. I’m not like that.

As we’ve looked at Janes past, at her formative years as John its been a case of  a diametrically opposed ‘me too’ …..a tomboy….who became a shaven headed dungaree wearing young adult….who became a woman who wore her husbands boxers and went to gents barbers for a short back and sides. A woman who never shaved her legs….never wore make-up….not on feminist principle…far from it…just becuase none of those things made sense.

I’m not body dysphoric, i love being the way i am…..but that said if it changed tomorrow….i’d love that too. If i lost my breasts to cancer i’d be bereft…but then i’d get on and enjoy the enormous benefits of not having them.

I’m not unhappy with my genetalia…they have served me well…they still do…but i can see the attraction of having a cock.

I’d like to be physically male….but i don’t not want to be a woman enough to want to be a man.

I’m not male.

But….I’ve never cracked being female.

If pressed..and Jane did press this this morning and brought some of my thinking to a head….

I’d say i have a male/female cycle..or a more random fluctuation. Best illustrated in the cutting of hair.

Grow it until unhappy..then cut it to be happy ad infinitum when i was younger. It often used to happen towards the end of relationships…long term relationships with men have made me very unhappy…and the cutting off of hair was always symbolic of a new start…a new me.

And then i’d get into another relationship with another man…try to fit into the role of girlfriend and round i’d go again.

I thnk if i try and decide if i’m male or female i think i’ll go mad.

Online tests always tend to show a balance…almost equal in gender terms.

Does that make me both…or neither.

Hopefully once i cogitate a little longer it’ll just make me me…i hope it can lead to a self acceptance i’ve never had before.

I’ll find a way of embracing both genders in a way that doesn’t need the extremes Jane needs to be comfortable in herself.

I thnk my tongue in cheek ‘tweed wearing accidental butch lesbian’ is probably far closer the truth than i ever wanted to admit to anyone….let alone myself.

 

2 Responses to “Gendered moi?”

  1. debz Says:

    not sure if the blog was supposed to make me chuckle, but it did, the more i speak to you or read your blog the more i identify with you – there are many similarities in both our pasts! one of theses days you and i must get together for a (non) girlie coffee!! i have always had an ambiguous side to my sexuality/gender – working in a gay bar i was always identified as butcher than the boys (hardly surprising) and definitiely not on the femme side . when asked if i am gay or str8 i invariably answer ‘yes’ because i ahave always been atracted tot he person rather than the gender! i have never worried about being able to do the blokey things like fix the hoover or change a wheel, given a choice i’d rather someone else did it, but i can!

    but your ambiguity is hardly surprising really, from what i have seen you are a mix, as are we all of both genders, with perhaps a mental tendency to be more masculine. you certainly dress more ‘girlie’ than i do on a day to day basis!! remember the cowboy picture? i will dig out my standard ‘drawing a picture’ picture and u tell me if i am a boy or a girl! people couldnt tell then!! think they can now – tho i cant imagine how !lol see yo soon i hope

  2. Khyri Says:

    Hi there! I found your blog via Jane’s blog, which I found after she left a comment on my friend Renee’s blog. I identify with much of what you’ve written here – I was married to someone who presented as female when we first met online (in 1992), and who never espoused maleness in any way. Although the “coming out as trans” didn’t happen till 2007, our relationship always transgressed gender norms and – like you – I eschewed the leg shaving and make up routines for much of it. Helen Boyd may be the most famous example of a gender-atypical trans spouse, and I identify with much of what she writes, too.

    In fact, I was reading FtM blogs and forums well before my spouse cameout, and several times I was asked “Is there something you want to tell me, dear?” to which I always said “No”. And, like you, I have no desire to transition. I’ve always worked in male-dominated fields, I have no problem with being referred to by female pronouns, I’m okay with my body bits but if my breasts were gone and a penis appeared, I’d be fine with that too.

    Sadly, our marriage fell apart less than a year later for reasons that were not gender-related. In fact, I think my support may have been almost too great – the extent to which I involved myself with the local trans community was almost resented and I was accused of appropriating “his” transition. Now, two years later, my ex-spouse has settled into an in-between state of genderqueer, and more than half my circle of female friends are trans women. I still ponder issues of gender and sexuality, including my own, daily and define my own attraction as being to “women who were raised male” (regardless of physical “bits”). I still read forums and blogs pertaining to “partners of trans”, even though I am no longer one myself, and I see the struggles particularly in those partners who have a strong sense of their own gender – and of course those who are stuck firmly at either the straight or gay ends of the Kinsey scale.

    It sounds like you and Jane will be just fine, and I look forward to following your story via your respective blogs in the future.

    –Liz


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