changeling times

trials and tribulations of eclectic chicken

Why do negatives weigh so heavy? February 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — eclectic chicken @ 11:09 pm
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Another couple of low days mostly brought about by the response to the Mail article.

Just yesterday one of the school mums said how lovely it was, what a beautiful story, how it almost made her weep, how she’d never understood what trans was before…and most importantly for me she added…”it could happen to any of us”.


And thats why i put myself through a very public process…becuase it happened to me. It happens to lots of people every year….a partner reveals a secret and your world turns upside down….ANYTHING that might help ease that turmoil or lessen that impact is a good thing to do.


What we have had since Saturday is a steady trickle of criticism from within the trans community. It ranged from our ‘selling out’ and using the ‘wrong’ language to the fact that the very existance of the article would put the blood of trans-women on our hands.

Now, over the last couple of months i’ve become more and more supportive of the trans community they are people Jane is connecting with for a myriad of reasons….but like any sort of community you start to get sucked in, you start to use the language and eventually in the case of many communities the end result can be that you become ghettoised.

I’m now determined not to go that far….i never really could as a ciswoman (!?!) its not my club. But i was happy to wear a guest pass as a partner of a transwoman.

As a partner the other option is not to try and gatecrash the trans party but join the partners groups out there.

Unfortunately the ones i’ve found to date have been full of the wives of cross dressers complaining about their husbands habits and laying down rules and restrictions for when they are allowed to indulge. Horrid stuff.

I’m not even sure why i’d want to mix with other partners….we’d only validate each others grumbles…and i’ve never really done the women together slagging off the partners thing.

I certainly don’t want to lay myself open to any more of the negativity we’ve had over the last few days. I know what we did reached out to the people we wanted it to reach out to…there are some projects hovering that we might be able to do with a longer time scale…but at the moment i feel raw again…raw and rejected.

I need to get my head down, put energy into the relationship i have. The only person i really need to be connected to is Jane.


4 Responses to “Why do negatives weigh so heavy?”

  1. Wonderer Says:

    So sorry to hear that. I have limited understanding of the trans and otherly gendered world, and your (i.e. both you and Jane’s) story – in this blog, in our emails, and in the Daily Mail – has opened my eyes to at least some part of that world.

    The Mail story was bound to have a populist and “human interest” stance; that’s the nature of that particular paper. Perhaps some of the concerns are from people who would rather have a more theoretical and academic and “purist” slant in a differen t sort of publication. But if it seems that you’re losing a supportive network, that’s very sad. I’d hope there could be some solidarity within the trans world, though I suppose it contains all sorts.

    I guess also the Mail article was rather from the perspective of the partner rather than the trans-woman, and at times seemed to be suggesting you were hard done by. I guess both stories are worth telling; the partner’s and the person who’s changing.

    All people in LTRs have to adjust when partner’s change in various ways; few however have to make such profound adjustments so quickly. It would be easier if society was more accepting of trans.

    With admiration and best wishes to you both.


  2. spirifer Says:

    I agree, Wonderer. What is it about humans that, even in a marginalised and not-totally-accepted-by society group like trans people, divisions arise and these are so often attributable to “one true wayism”?

    You get into trouble when you have the the notion that other ways are wrong, and inferior to your way, and the followers of these other ways are inferior to you. There’s a huge amount of of difference between simply believing in what you are doing, and looking down on others if they don’t share your preferences or beliefs. It creates elitism and disunity between people who surely would be better using their energies to help one another, and to gain wider acceptance by society.

    Sadly though, it’s often the people that go around preaching to others about not doing it right that have the loudest voices, and drown out the quieter, more moderate, majority.

    Jane’s blog on the DM interview attracted a lovely message from the mum of a trans person, so you are absolutely right that you reached out to the people you wanted to reach out to.

    It’s easy to say, but ignore the strident nay sayers, and follow what you think is right for you. You’ve got a whole mass of people thinking of you and wishing you all the very, very best.

    s x

  3. Wonderer Says:

    Hope yoyu don’t feel it’s inappopriate to use your weblog to respond mainly to spirifer on something slightly tangential.

    I think some highly effective and motivated people can be very focussed on “success” in their own terms, and have a very clear idea of how to achieve it, and thus can become a little impatient with people who have a different idea of where to go or even share the same goal but have different ideas of how to get there.

    I’ve no idea whether this is the case in those parts of the trans community which seem to disapprove; I’m thinking more generally now; e.g. some businesspeople, great philanthropists, political leaders etc.

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