Yesterday we went back for more joint counselling and came away with the suggestion that i might benefit from my own session.
Actually that might work quite well….that way the NHS can deal with my general depressed fuckedupness and in Cambridge i can deal with issues directly linked to all things trans and around.
Having a trans partner does raise all sorts of things to the surface…. it seems that trans people often choose people who are atypical gender wise to be their partners.
I certainly had a dose of the Philip Larkins in my childhood (don’t we all)?…but it does seem very centred on gender.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to but they do.
They fill up with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
The counsellor asked me a very tricky question… could i name any females i identify with?
The only one i wrenched out of thin air was Greta Garbo. Where did that come from? Unless its lnked to my new lifestyle fantasy of growing old, wearing tweed, smoking fags, drinking whisky and listening to Jane potter in the kitchen.
A very domesticated dream of elderly dykery…but as i explained to Jane yesterday…a vast improvement on my dreams of old age when she was John… there was just an emptiness then, something i couldn’t imagine.
The afternoon in Cambridge was spent pleasantly with new friends and several snakes (much to the small boys delight and Js terror).
And late last night i dug out my albums of childhood pictures and looked with new eyes. A small boy… someone who looked miserable in a dress…so many of the pictures of me looking pretty and feminine have accompanying memories of arguements to get me to wear whichever dress it was. Pictures of me in a cowboy suit weilding a pistol. Pictures of me sitting knees apart hands on thighs. Why have i an album which could be of a boy growing up?
It was a family joke that i was a tomboy…..is it a joke that i still need to find the punchline of?
I’m not dysphoric with my body…. but maybe i am with my gender. Can i separate out those two things?
Even later pics from my late teens, early twenties with cropped hair, wearing old mens pyjamas and cardigans…J described them as having the look of girls ones sees at gender conferences.
Methinks i need to start researching genderqueer and get used to the counselling sessions.