Things happen so fast, that a day away from the blog leaves a backlog….but i suppose the mad and hectic happening days are bound to be the ones I don’t get to sit down calmly at a screen and order my thoughts.
All close relatives on your side now in the know…. your sister who we thought would be ok…seemed to be ok. Though not sure about the vote of confidance in us when you asked if she could guess what your news was she guessed we were splitting up…..fast followed by ‘are you getting married’.
Interesting also the first questions people come up with. Shamefacedly i have to admit my random first question whilst flailing around trying to make sense of your news was ‘how big will your tits be?’ (ok…i’m a blokey yang to your delicate yin).
Your sisters question was ‘how will you do sex together?’
It made us smile.
Other than that….. your daughter having said she has no problems with ‘this’ obviously has and is talking of moving in with her mother. You can’t make someone understand or accept… but staying, dealing and trying to work through this as a family would have been a positive we could work with. Running away is never a real answer (says an inveterate runner-awayer).
Or maybe she thinks if she threatens this it might change your mind…much as in the occassional moment i toyed with the thought that if i fall at your feet and beg you you might change your mind.
With me, that thought was brief and fleeting and i realised this is too big for that….this is more important to you than me. Hard to admit…but once accepted actually makes things easier.
With her….its much harder, she hasnt the maturity to make that leap, she’s still too close to being a child and perhaps having a Galileo moment discovering she is the one with the orbit to run and that her father, the centre of her universe, is the one who actually stands firm.
Yesterday was possibly my first real low day on your transition. That first week of almost euphoria was as much a bounce from months and months of thinking I was losing you as anything else. The bounce hit its nadir yesterday, it just meant i needed some time on my own (in a deep bath listening to the Carpenters) and then i get back up and get back in step.
I know there will be downs as well as ups…for both of us….hopefully we won’t coincide downs to often and can keep the support bouncing between us.
I love the new emergent you, sometimes the loving her scares me more than anything else.
Sometimes it would be so easy to do the running thing and sit on the normal bus and ride away.
You’re too important though, i love you too much for a little thing like gender to get in the way.