I hadn’t realised how intensely my partner feels about this…sounds stupid i know. But whereas I am able to treat this as a process and look at ways to achieve and end result that you want, she just wants to change. To have fun and be able to enjoy the change, the butterfly coming out of the chrysalis.
I guess part of my job is to be the equivalent of a birthing partner, sort of a rebirthing partner. To enjoy and be part of the occassion but to keep my feet on the ground and make sure she gets the best she can. My reading for today will be the ‘Guidance notes for GPs’
As to enjoying the occassion….actually yes i am.
It’s scary, it’s been very scary. It was more scary finding out how distraught she has been about this mentally than about the transition itself. I always thought of him as being the strong one, the one who copes.
Losing that rock is scary.
But finding her is wonderful, personally i dont care what the end result looks like beyond if it makes her happy, she will be amazing.
We have been connecting on a very very sweet and sensitive level. It can’t just be the change in her. Its like an emotional feedback loop thats feeding back into the relationship and we are both finding new ways to interact. It’s lovely…..
…it worries me a bit…the puritan in me wonders how i can be this happy about it. The deconstructionist in me wonders if this is about the maleness in me connecting with her emmerging femaleness. Whatever it is…its fairly amazing….like a whole new relationship, discovering each other again.
I don’t think we’ve ever interacted like this, its almost as if we were both waiting for this to happen.
On a more practical note, one daughter knows, one out of two schools knows (and have been very supportive), her legs and armpits are shaved, and she’s fixating about peeling nail varnish. (the clear sort, that as our son pointed out, ‘men can wear without other men noticing because its invisible’).
Other news from the front…. my mum went into hospital so i had to dash over and be daughterly for a couple of days (getting back yesterday) and this morning we almost ended up in a deep ditch when the car didnt manage to take a corner in the snow (slow motion life before your eyes moment whilst waiting to see how big and deep the ditch was as we slid towards it)… life just keeps throwing stuff at us…. and we’ll keep coping.
Low point of the last few days….being shown a glimpse into the dark void that exists if this all goes tits up for her.
High point…. small gentle kisses and bumping noses and the hope that love can transcend almost anything.