A mere 24 hours since the denoument…. my partner of almost seven years revealed after a silence filled with my thoughts cancerous and deathly that he was making the first formal steps in the process of gender reassignment. In fact the first steps are already made. He’s talked through with friends in the queer community, he’s talked to his brother (a GP abroad) and talked to our family doctor.
Why did telling his partner come so late in the day….two reasons i’m told. Firstly he wanted to be sure, its not a trifling matter to change ones mind about from one day to the next. That i can understand. The second and perhaps bigger scarier reason is he feared i’d up and off.
The statistic for relationships failing in these circumstances is 90% or so….90%!…and many of those pretty much straight off. I was upset he thought i’d be in that 90%. In fact we’re not crossing any ts and dotting any i’s that were NOT in that 90%…really only time will tell. But its a shame that fear was there instilled from the off. In my first foray onto the web about ‘all this’ the first sentence i read early this morning was that ‘many relationships, in fact most relationships fail’…..fuck that…..i want my relationship to continue and i don’t want to be made to feel weird in not wanting to run. So i’ll edge back into ‘support’ at a later date (maybe tomorrow…or the next day).
Perhaps we have the advantage too that i’m bisexual (though my taste in girls doesn’t normally stretch to 6 foot odders) and I’m already tranny friendly (though i’ve already been told off for using the ‘t’ word….AND the ‘w’ word…and probably several other letters too)
So not a true denoument….its a starting revelation as opposed to an end. But its the end of one life phase, one that was becoming mostly uncomfortable for both of us in different ways.
So we talked late into the night and into the morning…i had sex with someone i thought i knew inside out and who was suddenly a stranger. I cried for the loss of his silver back gorilla pelt and a hundred other things. I slept for an hour and rang my sister for emotional support (a rare occurance that i ask anyone for help…. but this feels big enough to warrant it…look out for it as a growing habit).
But….today on the whole is positive….i’m terrified and hurt and.reeling but i’m also happy that the person I love might have found his way and in a small way strangley excited that i get an extra relationship for free with someone i think i’ll like who i havn’t really met yet..
No doubt theres a rollercoaster of emotions yet to come but I’m still here, I want this to work, I want us to be the one in ten.
Perhaps my low point today came standing crying with my hands in his underpant drawer….crying at potential loss of grey and blue grundies that i never cared for…get a grip girl!
My high point going out and buying him perfume and a card and seeing him smile.
Day one over and every word of love i’ve ever told him still holds true.